Unveiling your true self

Your personality might not be your personality. Sometimes it’s a survival strategy you perfected in an unsafe home, the version of you that kept the peace, stayed small, made everyone laugh, or never needed anything. Andrea and Kyle pull apart the idea of the "false self and true self," starting with a blunt reality: every child needs to be themselves and to be loved, and when those needs collide, authenticity often gets traded away for attachment and safety.

We get specific about what that trade can cost in adulthood: exhaustion, hollowness, confusion about what you actually want, and the nagging sense that the “real you” is trying to come back online. We also name a connection many people feel but rarely say out loud: unwanted sexual behavior, pornography use, hookups, and fantasy can become an escape hatch when you’re still living from a protective persona. If fantasy offers control, quick dopamine, or the feeling of being seen, there’s a story underneath, not a verdict about your worth.

From there, we shift into what healing can look like when safety comes first. We talk about curiosity without judgment, noticing condemning voices, and letting Jesus meet the parts of you that learned to hide. 

If this resonates, subscribe, share this with a friend who’s tired of surviving, and leave a review so more people can find Sacred By Design.

Resources:

• Transformed Into Fire, Judith Hougen
•  Path Through the Wilderness, Chapter Two
• The Dream of You
• Spiritual Gifts Survey

Contact us today: If you have a question, comment, or need help, email us at info@regenerationministries.org

Free Resources for you!

👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Transcript

Two Needs Every Child Has

Andrea 0:00

Every child needs two things: to be themselves and to be loved. In a good enough home, you get both. In a dysfunctional home, you have to pick, and you always pick love because a child without love doesn't survive. The false self is what you built after you made that choice. It's the version of you that was lovable. And the real you, the one who was traded away for safety, went underground. She's still there, but you've been living as the other one for so long that you might not recognize her when she tries to surface. This is a simple but not simplistic- Mm explanation that, uh, Dr. Gabor Maté offers around false self and true self. And it's a heavy explanation.

Kyle 1:06

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 1:09

So today on Sacred by Design, Kyle is here with me to unwrap and understand this idea of false self, true self, and safety.

Kyle 1:25

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 1:27

Because safety is necessary.

Kyle 1:28

It is. And it certainly is how false selves get birthed. Mm. Right? Mm-hmm. Um, if you know you're in a home where there is anger and violence, and you're gonna create a persona that's gonna try to quell anger and violence. Mm-hmm. Or, and it can come out in a lot of ways. You can be the peacemaker who comes in and tries to keep peace with everybody. You can be the comedian, comes in, makes jokes. Uh, and so you start to live out of that because it's what you needed to survive. Mm.

Andrea 2:14

Mm. You sacrifice your authenticity, who you truly are, because it feels better to be connected. Um, it feels better to be somehow attached in this family than to be discarded.

Kyle 2:34

Mm-hmm. And you might even remove yourself. Mm-hmm. Um, and you can reemerge when you feel like attachment is safe. Mm-hmm. Uh, yous like, "Hey, I can just get out of the way 'cause I don't wanna add anything else to whatever's happening, and then I can come back out when everything is good." Mm.

Andrea 2:53

And isn't that- So remarkable about little you that you don't wanna add anything to what's already chaotic, what's already loud, what's already too much, and you can observe that and say, "I'm gonna subtract myself." Mm-hmm.

How A False Self Gets Built

Andrea 3:11

And that is... Okay, so that's false self. So I wonder how many people listening are all of a sudden like, "Oh, shoot, but I am a people pleaser."

Kyle 3:23

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 3:23

I am the clown. I am the, the good student. I am the good girl. You don't have to worry about me." Um, so if that is you, if that feels true, all right.

Kyle 3:41

Nothing wrong with that. No. It, to acknowledge that and, and to know it's not a flaw, right? The, 'cause there's, there's good in that. Mm-hmm. There's, there's probably a gift from God in that. Mm. Right? Mm-hmm. That, that allows y- 'Cause y- you, you are sensitive to enough, enough to know when maybe a situation really isn't safe and you need to subtract yourself. Right. Or when there's some heaviness that needs to be lifted in the room, and it might be great- Mm-hmm to bring lightness to it. Mm-hmm. Right? So there's a gift- Mm-hmm in being able to discern that. Mm-hmm.

Andrea 4:24

So let's not get to the gift just yet. Okay. 'Cause it's important to- Mm-hmm understand it and really sit with it for a second because i- i- if it, it, it sounds like and it feels like, 'cause I, this resonates with me real deeply, that it is a protective shell.

Kyle 4:39

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 4:40

And it does feel very hollow. Um, to grow up and make sure everybody else is okay is great, and also like, well, I'm not okay.

Kyle 4:50

Exactly. Yeah. And what does it... And then you don't really understand, like, who you really are. There can be confusion then that c- starts to come out. Mm-hmm. Like, well, if I've gotta be this kind of person, how much of the real you is being lost? How much of am- of me is being lost? Mm-hmm. And I think it was so beautiful in here. It says, "You might not recognize her when sh- the real you tries to resurface." You're like, "Ooh, what's, what is that? What's happening? She needs to go away from here-" Yeah "because this is not what I'm used to doing." Mm-hmm. But it's really more of the real you. Uh, and but I think we do have to acknowledge that, listen, your brain is gonna figure out how to be safe. Mm-hmm. And so you, you can't fault yourself- For having to have to put these kind of mechanisms in place just to live and be okay- Mm-hmm in the world. Right.

Andrea 5:56

Andi Colber in Strong Like Water talks about this false self. I don't know that she necessarily points to false self, but the idea of being the people pleaser, of being the, the clown, of being the, uh, good, good whatever, the good student, um, that that is a, a strength that we lean on, a crutch that we lean on- Mm-hmm for so long, and then we can move into a different space with some understanding and some safety- Yeah which is really key. Um, and then move into our fullest, truest selves. Mm-hmm. And so again, like, we're not gonna try and rush. Let's be really, um, intentional with sitting in tru- in false self, um, and understanding it with the hope of you're not gonna be stuck there. Right. You don't have to stay stuck there. Mm-hmm. Um, there is hope. But let's understand it some more because we're Regeneration Ministries. We help men, women, and families learn and live God's good, holy, beautiful design for sexuality. That being said, unwanted sexual behaviors, addictions, um, fantasies can be birthed from also the false self.

Kyle 7:15

Absolutely, because there's something within you that understands the way you've had to operate isn't good- Mm-hmm isn't comfortable. You had to do it just to survive, and so why not escape to somewhere where it's not like that? Mm-hmm. Why not escape into fantasy- Mm-hmm where you have full control over what scenes look like, who's involved, your role, all of that. Mm-hmm. You have... You can be drawn to certain kinds of pornography that will help you feel more connected, more seen, right? You can then imagine. You can get that immediate adrenaline hit, dopamine hit when you go and you go on the app, hook up with somebody- Mm-hmm really quickly. You get that kinda instant, "Okay, somebody sees me, knows me." That was great for the moment. That's what you look for. Mm-hmm. You look to turn to some of these things. Mm-hmm. And you try to recreate a world that you can live in. Mm-hmm. And so it's not for any of the women who feel like, gosh- Just having this unwanted sexual behavior is just so weird. It really isn't. Mm-hmm. There's, there's an explanation to it. Yeah. And you don't have to see yourself as flawed or less than or, you know, just there was just something wrong with you when you were born, and this is the kind of person you have become. No, like, there are things that led you here and things that keep you there. And so some of this is even how much are you still having to live out of the false self? Are there places where you realize, like, "I'm still just operating in this way just to make it and to survive," and to be kind to that part of yourself.

Andrea 9:42

Mm-hmm. That's really good. And don't you wanna do more than just survive?

Kyle 9:51

Yeah, 'cause, you know, survival is exhausting. Mm-hmm. There's a lot of emotional energy. I mean, you think about the energy it s- it takes if you walk into a situation where everybody is happy and things are g- good, and you gotta go in there and try to put on some kinda different face because that's not where you are. But you go in going, "Okay, I gotta go in here and just be happy and jovial and just c- fit in and click in with everybody." This is how exhausting that you feel afterwards. Yeah. That's hard. Yeah.

Andrea 10:30

So being stuck in, staying stuck in false self has real ramifications, and it can feed the unwanted sexual behavior. Mm-hmm. Um, if we could get super specific, because I do think that it's worth sitting with the specifics of... You know, so if you're the rescuer- Mm-hmm in your family, that's your false self. "Oh, I'm gonna rescue this situation. I rescue this situation." Um, maybe your, the pornography that you look up is where you're being rescued.

Kyle 11:03

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 11:05

Now, if that's hitting a nerve, okay, let it zing for a second- Yeah because I think and I wonder if your being r- your need to be rescued, I mean, that's valid. It is valid. It's valid, and it's good. You need to be rescued, too. Mm-hmm. Um, you need somebody else to be the clown. You don't need to be gifted all the time. Um, so if you need to be rescued, can you, can you take that- Want and take it to

The Exhaustion And Hollowness Cost

Andrea 11:40

the Lord.

Kyle 11:40

Yeah. And be, to be honest about that- Yes and to know that, that there's, there's not a weakness there. Mm-hmm. Um, that is a very legitimate need. Mm-hmm. Which, again, like false selves are birthed out of legitimate things. Mm-hmm. Legitimate feelings and legitimate needs. That's how false selves get birthed. Mm-hmm. Um, because if you ha- you have a need to feel safe- Mm-hmm so you're gonna present the you that helps you to feel safe. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And so can you honor the fact that you had to even step into that role? You have to honor that. Yeah. You can't go, "Ah, I can't believe I'm this kind of person. I don't know why I'm like this and I wanna change." What if you could step back and, and part of starting to let your, your true self emerge- Mm-hmm is acknowledging the pain that the false self has had to experience. Yeah. And the fact that you even had to do that in order to survive. Yeah.

Andrea 12:44

Okay. This is where I love us. And what we do here, because everything about false self and what we've talked about is so head heavy. Mm-hmm. And God is not just after healing your head. He wants your heart, He wants your body, your All of these good things that He's created for you, He wants to heal with you. Yeah. And so let's move some of this false self, um, knowledge and information into our hearts. Mm-hmm. Um, and the only way to move it into our hearts is to get really safe. Yeah. Because, uh, the lack of safety might have birthed the false self. So let's, let's, let's talk about what safety looks like and feels like and is, so that you can begin to consider- Mm-hmm your true self.

Kyle 13:34

For sure.

Andrea 13:35

So that requires some heart work. So I pray for you right now, even as you're listening, that any part of your heart that feels walled up or that feels hard, that you would sense, um, Jesus extending his hand to you, asking you to trust him, that he wants to lead you into steady ground- Mm-hmm steady peace, and that you are worthy- Yeah right now.

Kyle 14:18

Yeah. And I think maybe a, a way to start to establish safety is to be, just start with curiosity. Mm-hmm. Right? Um, no judgment, no trying to figure, excuse me, trying to figure it out, but just being curious- To be able to say even like, "Lord, what parts of me did I develop just so I could survive?" Mm-hmm. And to know that the Lord wants to be gracious- Mm-hmm in showing that to you. He's not gonna go, "Here, look at this mess." No, his- that's not the Lord. Yeah. The Lord's gonna say, "Hey, let's turn our gaze here." Mm. Because He also wants to say like, "I know you had to do that." Mm-hmm. Mm. Like j- Aw Jesus is not gonna go- Yeah "This is awful that you couldn't have done better." He's gonna go, "I know you had to do that." Yeah. "And I saw you- Mm-hmm in having to do that, and my heart broke that you had to do that." Right? So He wants to start there. So He wants to be curious with you, and then you can begin to just ask yourself some other questions. Mm-hmm. Um, ask yourself, "What, what do I think was helpful for

Escaping Through Fantasy And Control

Kyle 15:50

me in that?" Mm-hmm. What, what was, what was I trying to protect? Mm-hmm. Or what did I ne- not just trying to protect, but what did I need protection from, right? Mm-hmm. To be able to ask that question. Yeah. Uh, and just be curious, and then to know that, um, like if you start to hear a condemning voice- Mm-hmm you need to pause because that is not Jesus. Jesus has l- not... You let the enemy enter the room. Mm-hmm. And so you need to just pause and reconnect with Jesus in that because, um, there is so much kindness that Jesus wants to just lavish on you- Mm-hmm as you go through that process. Mm-hmm.

Andrea 16:38

And, um, so I'm sitting here totally teary-eyed because w- a- and it's testament to the fact that, um, if you cannot offer yourself that curiosity, if you cannot even begin to imagine what it sounds like to honor some of- Mm-hmm those parts of you, this is where inviting in a coach and a, a trusted voice to, to represent that voice- Mm-hmm for you and to lead you is, um, good shepherding for your soul.

Kyle 17:10

Yeah. For sure. And to know that, um, this takes time. Mm-hmm. This won't be, oh, I did it once, and everything is lovely. Yes. Like be, have some grace for yourself because Jesus has grace for you- Mm-hmm as you walk through this. Mm-hmm. Um, because- You didn't put this false self together overnight. Mm-hmm. This happened over the course of your life. Right. And so it's gonna take time then just to start to peel back and to just take the opportunity to just go, "Wow, like I really didn't realize." Mm-hmm. And to know that, yes, some, some emotions will come up. There might be anger. There might be sadness and grief. You'll need to work through those, too. You just can't let those come up and then shoot past that either. Mm-hmm. So this is a slow walk. It is. Unveiling your true self is a slow walk. Yeah.

Andrea 18:20

Um, there's... Or, and anger is something, especially I know for myself personally, that when anger came up, I was like, "Ooh. Oh yeah. Ooh. What is that?" Yeah. And I didn't know what to do with it. Mm-hmm. And it was very confusing. Yeah. And so to have a trusted voice alongside with me to be like, "Oh, but that makes sense"- Yeah, it will "and it

Kyle 18:38

belongs here." Yeah. And, and, and it can be really easy to say all the Christian words. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. "Oh, well, you know, the scripture says that greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world," and you can say all the things, right? Mm-hmm. Um, and those things are absolutely true. Mm-hmm. But Jesus is not trying to force you to go there before your heart has done some healing work. Mm-hmm. I think when you get closer to really starting to unveil the true self, and when you start to look in the mirror and go, "Oh, I love that chick right there," right? Mm-hmm. Then those, those truths from God really mean something. They're just not wor- Mm Christianese words that you say. Mm-hmm. You can believe them at the depths of your soul that those words are true. Mm.

Andrea 19:35

So establishing safety either with a coach and some spiritual coaching sessions, um, is a great way to establish safety. Mm-hmm. Um, there's also good breathwork.

Kyle 19:48

Yeah.

Andrea 19:49

There's... And, and that's literally just breathing in through your nose and exhaling nice and loud, even through- Yeah your mouth. And there's heart prayer. There, there are so many different ways to consider... And, and safety looks different- Yeah feels different- Yes for all of us.

Kyle 20:07

Absolutely. For sure. Like I think you have to know what safety feels like for you- Mm-hmm 'cause what it feels like for one person can be very, very different from someone else. And so what does it mean- For you to feel safe, think about the times that you have felt safety. What were the elements of that? What was the environment like, or who were the people involved? And so think about ways you can recreate that- Mm-hmm um, so that as you walk through this, you don't feel like, um, you're gonna fall off a cliff or, you know- Yeah your- just your emotions will go so haywire that you won't be able to rein them back in.

Andrea 20:48

Yeah. So a- and that's a sweet thing to even write down the elements, the who, what, when, where, why of, of a time and place where you felt safe so you can recall that and even take a deep breath in with that- Mm-hmm as you recall those, those details and really return yourself and invite the Lord and say, "Oh, uh, where are you in this room?" Yes. Or, "Where are you in this place? And, uh, would you just breathe with me, Lord- Okay as I, uh, recenter and, and calm myself?"

Kyle 21:21

Yeah. And even if you don't have a sense of where He is- Mm-hmm hopefully the knowledge that He is there will be helpful, right? Mm. You know, you might not be able just to say, "Oh, I know Jesus is over there sitting, watching me," or, "He's right next to me," or whatever it is. You might not be able to verbalize all that, but if you can just acknowledge that, "Jesus, I'm not... No, I, I don't know that I can sense you right now." Mm-hmm. "But I know you have a promise that said you would never leave me or forsake me, so I know you're here." Mm-hmm. And, and to be okay with that, because sometimes people wanna conjure up something- Yeah um, and then, and then feel like they've failed. Mm-hmm. You know, the false self then can still come out and go- Yeah "Oh, well I did this wrong." Yeah. And so, uh, maybe even a question for yourself is, are there ways that I have engaged with the Lord through my false self?

Safety Through Curiosity And Kindness

Kyle 22:22

Like, are there ways that I have projected this situation that I am experiencing here on Earth? Mm-hmm. How have I turned that same vision toward the Lord? Mm-hmm. To think, "I just looked at porn. He's gonna be like my raging father." Right. "And if He finds out- Right it's gonna be trouble for me." Mm. And so what do you do? You isolate, you hide, which is the same thing you did in your house. Mm-hmm. Because it was necessary in your house, and Jesus wants to be able to show you something different. Like, "No, that's not necessary with me. I'm gonna hug you and love on you. I don't care what kind of dirt and filth you have on yourself. I'm gonna love you until you can sense the depth of my love for you." Mm. There's a quote that I like. Um, this is from Judith Hogan, I think is how her last name is pronounced. Um, her book called Transforming Into Fire. And she says, "When the false self is embraced as our identity, someone or something other than God tells us who we are at our core. Thus, whatever we allow to define our personhood is an object of our worship, since identity is so foundational to the spiritual life." And so if you think about the ways in which you've had to operate in your false self and how you now say, "This is who I am"- Mm-hmm um, as opposed to being able to start to receive who you are in Christ- Mm-hmm like, that's so huge and significant. Mm-hmm. Right? It's, it's like, you know, having just this personality that isn't even yours. Mm. That, you know, you're trying to put on something that was fashioned for someone else. Mm-hmm. Or was it... Or better yet, wasn't fashioned for you, and you're carrying that around. And I think that's why false self feels so, I think you used a great word, hollow. Mm. Because you're carrying around something that's wasn't fashioned for you. Mm-hmm.

Andrea 24:51

That's a heck of a quote, Kyle. Dang it. I'm gonna have to go- I'm gonna have to get that from you later. Shoot. Um, so um, oh, uh, I mean, even with something like that, um, a really simplistic way to ground yourself is to do grounding- Mm-hmm or to find safety. And so instead of, you know, trying to think of a time and, a- a- and then you're, you might be afraid of, like, "I'm leaning into this false self of mine, and what is my true self? God, I don't even know," um, go outside or wherever you are and plant your feet.

Kyle 25:29

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 25:30

And then take a deep breath and go through your five senses. What's one thing you see? Mm. One thing you hear, one thing you smell, one thing you taste, and something you can touch. And when you can go through all five of those things and take another deep breath, here you are. That's all we need. Mm-hmm. So- Now that we've got you moving into true self, yes, this is the goal. Because something we've been touching on so delicately is that even in your false self, even in your unwanted sexual behavior, there's something itching deep down that's like, "Wait a minute, wait a minute." And

Kyle 26:16

girl, that is your true

Andrea 26:17

self.

Kyle 26:18

That's the true girl wants to come out.

Andrea 26:20

Yes. And that's what we're after, and that's what the Lord is after. Yeah.

Kyle 26:25

Yeah. Um, and I, I, I encourage our listeners to think about what are those things that if you hadn't had to live out of that false self, what are those things that you had longed to do? Where somebody said, "You can't do that," or maybe just because of the environment you in, you were in, like, you couldn't do it. Mm-hmm. It wasn't available to you because y- again, you're in survival mode. So this is something. So what is a dream that you had? Think about even as a little kid, that thing that you used to talk about so much, and by the time you made it to adulthood, you l- you let it go. Mm-hmm. Because you thought it just wasn't possible. And, and don't allow y- don't put barriers around your dreams. Mm-hmm. It's as easy to go, "Oh, I remember when I wanted to- Mm-hmm I wanted to be an artist. Oh, but I can't do it because it's like you go through all the things. Yeah. You start to say all the reasons why you can't. Mm-hmm. I would say do everything you can to, to keep that at bay. Mm-hmm. And just to let them out. Mm-hmm. Let them find space again. Put them on a page where they can become real- Mm-hmm to you. And, and if... And maybe that's just all you do at first. Yeah. Just put it down there- Yeah and, and let it just be, and not have to try to figure out how to get there, but just try to let your dreams resurface. Yes. Just

Andrea 28:05

let that be step one. If nothing else, just step one, putting together a collage, a Pinterest board, a vision board, a, a page in your notebook or journal of, what did I dream? Mm-hmm. What did I want?

Kyle 28:23

Yeah. Here's a question that Joe Saxon, who's a, she's a author, she's a speaker, she's a preacher, uh, she said, "What was the dream of yourself from the very beginning before life interrupted, before anyone told you who you were allowed to be?"

Andrea 28:43

Oh, Joe. Dang it.

Kyle 28:48

Oh, that's beautiful. Isn't it, though? Yeah. But that's a great question- Yes to ask yourself. Yeah And, and, and again, don't try to rush it. Mm-hmm. You don't have to, you know, try to manufacture the answer right there in the moment. No. Just sit with it. Yeah. Mm.

Andrea 29:07

It's so beaut- Like, already that hollowness feels like it's filling- Yeah filling up.

Kyle 29:13

Yeah. Uh, there's a little bit more she says here. She says, "You and I had an identity before anyone came along to tell us that we couldn't be that person." Dang it. We had a purpose long before experience told us we weren't worthy of one. We even had a voice, tiny though it might have been before it was muted." Come on, you gotta- get

Grounding Tools And Letting Dreams Return

Kyle 29:40

that voice back out. Yes.

Andrea 29:43

Yes. Oh, there's so much color to that, what you just read. It's, like, exploding in my brain right now. And I, I wonder even, because I'm feeling super tender in my heart, um, and I feel like I wanna go, like, do something. Um, and that's part of the joy of what healing and this invitation is like from the Lord, is that He doesn't just want you to know or memorize the things- Mm-hmm in your head, but He wants your heart to get tender and curious and gracious and kind. And then He wants your body to get going. Yeah,

Kyle 30:21

for sure. And, and to know that He wants you to receive all the things that He says are true about you. Mm-hmm. Uh, and, and starting to begin just to say, "Okay, this is what the Lord says about me." Like, how can I start to lean into that and to believe that? And like you said, get it out of just in my brain- Mm-hmm to be able to say, "Oh, well, yes, my identity in Christ is..." Fill in the blank, right? Right. But be able to say that right from your heart. Mm-hmm. To go, "Dang it, I know this is who I am." Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And, and nobody can tell me different. And

Andrea 31:06

what's amazing is that, um, you have two weeks to come up with this vision board and let it sit, because in two weeks you'll hear us talk about what identity in Christ is. Mm-hmm. Identity as a woman.

Kyle 31:18

Yeah.

Andrea 31:18

Um, and you'll be able to understand that part a little bit more. So a- appreciate the pacing. Mm-hmm. Um, even as we were praying, we're, uh, I was reading from Isaiah 30 that the Lord is, is waiting to show you mercy, that the, the Lord wants to rise up and give you compassion, and just that not only is He an awesome God, but He's a really great dad. Mm-hmm. That He's waiting, that He's not in a rush. Yeah. That He understands and gets what we needed to do as a little, and that He's inviting us into safety. And into flourishing, thriving- Yeah dancing, painting, kickboxing, pickleballing, writing, learning, asking questions. Mm-hmm.

Kyle 32:04

And, and to do it in a community that is healthy and will support you, right? Yeah. Like, who's your tribe? You need your people,

Andrea 32:13

yes.

Kyle 32:14

Who's your tribe, right? You gotta have those people who are going to be your cheerleaders- Mm-hmm um, who can speak the truth to you when you're not feeling that whatever the Lord says about you is true. Mm-hmm. Because this journey will have ups and downs. It'll have hills and valleys, ebbs and flows. Um, it's, it's not like, oh, I'm going in a straight line from point A to point B. It's... This is, this is- Yeah has different terrain.

Andrea 32:47

It does. So, yes.

Kyle 32:50

And yeah, so you, you know, know that that's part of the process. Like, you know, we're, we're not sitting here trying to paint this picture of la, la, la, la, la, here we go- skippy, skippy, skip. And we're gonna get to this awesome place. No, there will be days where you will feel like all of what they said is a bunch of crap. Mm-hmm. Right? You're gonna feel that way. Yeah. And you need those people who are around you that can say, "You know what? I get it." Mm-hmm. And maybe they sit with you for a little bit, and then they can go, "Okay, but let's get up and keep on going anyway-" Mm just to see where we- Mm where we land. Mm-hmm.

Andrea 33:32

And there will be times where your false feel- self feels more, uh, comfortable- Yeah more familiar.

Kyle 33:37

Mm-hmm, more real.

Andrea 33:38

Yep, yep. Um, so we pray that it doesn't. We pray you get a little agitated- Mm-hmm a little uncomfortable in the best way. In the best kind of way. You have another doozy for us.

Kyle 33:53

Yeah. There is... And we, I put a link to this in the show notes, uh, this book from Jo Saxton called The Dream of You. It's a amazing, wonderful book. I highly recommend it. And so, but she has this beautiful prayer that we just want to offer as a closing. Mm. It says, "Dear you, I can tell that you feel you should be past this by now, that you should be bolder, stronger, or pick some other archetype of an empowered kind of woman. Instead, you feel rejected and insecure. You have your reasons, your people, your experiences that left you this way. What you hate most is the way this seems to seep into everything." The way your need for acceptance and approval have gone beyond a longing to a way of life. You have morphed into so many things that other people need you to be. You don't know who you are anymore. Losing your identity because you wanted to be loved turned out to be a poor trade. Guilt deepens when you think of your faith in the midst of all this. Could God ever be pleased with you when you act like this, considering all that He has done? Sure, He loves you, but does He like you? Does He approve of you? Yes, love. Absolutely, unequivocally, yes.

Andrea 35:46

Wow. Thank you for tuning in today. It was a joy and an honor. Thank you, Kyle, for being with me.