Hey Girl!

The fastest way to lose yourself is to live under a label you didn’t choose. We talk about why “what it means to be a woman” can feel so heavy, and how disqualifying messages from family of origin, culture, school, and church can quietly shape your choices, your relationships, and even your private coping strategies.

We get personal about the molds we grew up with: pressure to be tough and take up space, pressure to be quiet and polished, pressure to smile while ignoring what you feel. Then we connect the dots to the hidden places many women run when real life feels too tight to breathe in, including sexual fantasy, erotic stories, pornography, and other unwanted sexual behavior. Not to shame you, but to help you understand you. Awareness creates options, and options create freedom.

From there we slow down and offer a practical path forward: build an identity inventory, name the roles and stereotypes you’ve carried, notice what you rejected to survive, and move those words out of your head and onto paper, paint, or anything tangible. We also reframe “the things that make you different” as gifts and callings, not evidence that you’re wrong. Finally, we look at Genesis and the word ezer, where “helper” means indispensable partner required to achieve the divine commission, a radical vision of women as essential and fully designed on purpose.

If this conversation puts words to something you’ve felt for years, share it with a friend, subscribe, and leave a review so more women can find it. What label are you ready to kick out the door?

We are excited to announce that we will be releasing new content on two different days. On Tuesdays, we will focus on women and unwanted sexual behaviors. And the next week, on Wednesdays, we focus on women impacted, recovering, and healing from betrayal trauma. Tune into one or both; either way, we pray it will bring healing and hope!

Contact us today: If you have a question, comment, or need help, email us at info@regenerationministries.org

Free Resources for you!

👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Transcript

Why Identity Feels Heavy

Andrea 0:22

Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Um, if you're listening, yes, you girl, this is for you. I'm so happy that you're here. Uh, if you're walking, shopping, sitting in your car waiting in carpool, oh, bless you. Yes, you. We want you here because we have a really special topic today, and we have been, uh, praying, dreaming, giggling, and getting pretty pumped about this, and we're talking about identity Yes, identity. Are you ready? Everything that you've considered about who you are, what makes you a woman-

Kyle 1:07

Mm-hmm

Andrea 1:09

let's talk about it today because, uh, if you're here, I wonder if you've disqualified yourself in some way, shape, or form. So hit pause on that disqualification, just slow down, and let's talk about identity.

Kyle 1:25

Mm-hmm. Yeah, let's talk about How your identity as a woman was shaped You know, what was being said in your family of origin.

Andrea 1:41

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 1:43

What even maybe layer on top of that, whatever cultural influences might have come from your family of origin. Layer on top of that, the broader culture at large. Layer on top of that, church.

Andrea 2:01

Are you feeling the heaviness? 'Cause I, I just feel squashed right now. 'Cause it... That is, that is legitimate, that it is heavy and that there are so many different ways, um, that can come at us to describe and prescribe who we are as women and what women look like, sound like, um, act like in this world.

Kyle 2:23

Yeah, and then how does your perception

Where Womanhood Messages Come From

Kyle 2:28

of what it means to be a woman, how then has that actually caused you to turn towards your unse- un- your unwanted sexual behavior?

Andrea 2:37

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 2:37

Right?

Andrea 2:38

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 2:38

Because, oh, I don't live up to that whatever, or I don't wanna be that, what I saw.

Andrea 2:48

Mm.

Kyle 2:49

And people want me to be that.

Andrea 2:52

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 2:52

And I don't wanna be that. Mm. And so I've gotta go somewhere where I can be who I think I am as a woman.

Andrea 3:00

All right, so that's awesome. Why don't we do that? Why don't we... Good idea, Kyle. Why don't we talk about that? In, in, in that framework, though, of first, uh, culturally, family, world, church, how have you assumed or defined what it means to be a woman?

Kyle 3:19

Right. So I think for me, if I start with just my family of origin, start there. Start family of origin, African American family.

Andrea 3:29

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 3:30

Okay? In my family of origin for a woman, uh, there had to be this level of strength and, like, you had to be willing to, like, go to the carpet for anybody, including let's get a gang of people and go beat up somebody. All right?

Andrea 3:50

Okay.

Kyle 3:51

Right. Right. Like, that's the thing I saw. Yeah. I would see conversations about, "Hey, you know, this happened to so-and-so in our family. We can't let that ha- keep happening. What are we gonna do about it?" Right? Mm-hmm. And so I would witness these kinds of conversations going on and so, okay, so that's a thing that shaped me. Um, gr- e- even if I think about school growing up, I was smaller than most of the other kids. Mm-hmm. So, you know, you've gotta be, have this kind of, uh, you know, be big enough and, and, and kinda take up space in the room.

Andrea 4:30

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 4:31

Right? I was teeny tiny.

Andrea 4:33

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 4:34

Didn't take up space in the room. Right? And so then you get older, and even for my likes and dislikes, right? I wasn't the girl who... I tell people this all the time, I was not just the makeup and pumps chick. That was not me. Mm-hmm. Um, I'd rather be outside playing, playing sports. I enjoyed trucks as much as I enjoyed Barbie, right? Mm. Just had this myriad of things and still didn't feel like I fit in this s- mold of what other girls were like.

Andrea 5:10

I am fascinated right now because I did not grow up like that at all, and it i- wow. Okay, so I grew up with a Hispanic mom, German dad, and generationally, I was meant to be quiet. Um, I was also supposed to dress a certain way. Mm-hmm. Because as a woman, you need to have the earrings, the bracelet, the necklace, the blush because you could not look pale. You always had to have a smile on your face because what you were presenting to the world meant more than what you were feeling.

Kyle 5:47

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 5:48

And so this, this display-

Kyle 5:51

Yeah

Andrea 5:51

it was a big deal. Yeah. It was, uh, there was a lot of emphasis on that. You do not leave the house looking like that. And I was very tall for my, uh, age when I was in elementary, middle school, so I was called Andrea the Giant- Oh and made fun of for being like this really tall, I'm not even that tall- that tall kid. Um, so it's so... Wow, right?

Kyle 6:14

Yeah. And so you, you start to live

Family And Culture Shape The Mold

Kyle 6:17

out of that-

Andrea 6:18

Mm-hmm

Kyle 6:19

and then you try to find where do you fit in.

Andrea 6:22

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Kyle 6:23

And then add becoming a Christian.

Andrea 6:26

Yes. Let's go there. Yes.

Kyle 6:28

Right? Mm-hmm. So now you become a Christian, and you get this sense that all of what you've learned is wrong.

Andrea 6:38

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 6:39

And now you've gotta even step into something else that you don't feel like you fit into. Mm-hmm. Uh, and you have to present yourself in a way so that you could eventually get married and to have kids and, you know, you had to carry yourself a certain way. And I also then had to take on the responsibility of managing the lust of others.

Andrea 7:04

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Kyle 7:05

Right?

Andrea 7:06

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 7:07

So now here's this whole thing that, like, I'm like, "What? Where do I go? Where do I belong?" So it was easy for me then to be able just to, um, dive into erotic literature- Mm-hmm and sexual fantasy, because then I could be the person I thought I really truly was-

Andrea 7:30

Right

Kyle 7:30

in that way.

Andrea 7:31

Yeah. Gosh, and I was, uh... Wow. Okay. I, I feel like we do need to pause for our listeners just to be able to even right now ask yourself, and jot down if you can, okay, so how did I grow up? Was I meant to be quiet, or was I meant to take up space?

Kyle 7:51

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 7:51

Did I, did I need to step up, or was I meant to be an observer? Um, was, were looks important, or was a, a quick, uh, sarcastic, like, answer important? Yeah. Or was sports, art, music... I- start to write some of this down- Mm-hmm and understand where you're, where you came from. And then, yes, oh my gosh, add on church. Um, and then I th- uh, pornography for sure informed who I was not-

Kyle 8:24

Mm-hmm

Andrea 8:25

and where I was so deficient.

Kyle 8:27

Yeah.

Andrea 8:27

Um, and where I lacked.

Kyle 8:29

Yeah. And I think you have to think about what you rejected as well.

Andrea 8:33

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 8:34

Right? Because you may have been in this family where, um, women had to be quiet, and you're like, "Well, I'm not doing that."

Andrea 8:45

Mm.

Kyle 8:45

There's no way I'm doing that." And so you create this different persona- Mm-hmm and then you become the girl that's too much. You know, "Oh, you're too much. You're, you're too this, you're too that" Mm-hmm because you rejected what you felt like wasn't ma- and maybe because there were consequences to that, right? Mm-hmm. Because you couldn't speak because speaking meant harm.

Andrea 9:14

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 9:15

You know, speaking meant being violated.

Andrea 9:18

Right.

Kyle 9:18

Right? So think about the things that you've rejected as well.

Andrea 9:23

Mm-hmm So all these observations and experiences start to develop who we think of ourselves as, as women, and whether we are... And then we can label ourselves.

Kyle 9:39

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 9:40

And so some of our labels, um, it can go anywhere from the quiet one, um, the loud one, uh, the flirt It just goes on and on and on Yeah And these labels Take up a lot of space.

Kyle 10:00

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 10:01

So that's part of our conversation today also, or the hope of it, is that we can, um, name them, identify them-

Kyle 10:09

Mm-hmm

Andrea 10:09

um, and then see what we wanna do with those.

Kyle 10:12

Yeah. And think about what are the things that you feel like really are you.

Andrea 10:19

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 10:19

Right? If you are a woman who is an architect, and I know that that profession can be predominantly male- Mm-hmm and then you feel like there's something weird about you because you love this thing that men love, uh, you know, think about the things that you feel like are, are really your thing and that how they can be a gift from God for you.

Andrea 10:49

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 10:49

That God didn't, it w- there was no mistake-

Andrea 10:53

Mm-hmm

Kyle 10:53

that you have this gift to be an architect, or that you have this gift to go outside and just build a structure- Mm-hmm or that you have this gift to be this amazing homemaker.

Andrea 11:06

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 11:07

Like, those are gifts. They're not hindrances. Mm-hmm. And so what other ways might you be thinking that, oh, because I'm this way, this is like, nobody's gonna really receive me as the woman that I am because they're gonna see this thing that I do- Mm-hmm more than, than who I actually am.

Andrea 11:28

Right. So let's not dismiss being mathematically minded as being masculine.

Kyle 11:34

Exactly.

Andrea 11:34

This is your gift.

Kyle 11:36

Yes.

Andrea 11:37

What does it look like to stop and say, "God, you gave me a mind for engineering. Thank you that I can do math that makes Andrea's mind explode." Right. She is a woman, and I am a woman. It's just, it's, yes, to consider and ask the Lord, "Hey, what is it that you've given me? I'm, I'm making this little inventory list of myself and noticing this. Is this a gift from you?"

Kyle 12:05

Yeah.

Andrea 12:06

Can you reframe it and help me see it as a gift? Um, that, that is worth spending some time with.

Kyle 12:13

Yeah. And, and knowing, um, that it's also the way that you can best reflect Jesus to others. When you're really you-

Andrea 12:23

Mm-hmm

Kyle 12:24

people can see Jesus better.

Andrea 12:25

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 12:26

They don't see Jesus better when you're trying to live out some other identity. They can't see Him- Mm-hmm because you're spending too much time covering up who you really are.

Andrea 12:36

Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle 12:37

And what might it be like even for some of the ways you have labeled yourself, does it mean finding... It makes me think about, um- Just the fig leaves that Adam and Eve used to cover themselves. Like, how do you start to uncover? Maybe you

Church Pressure And Sexual Escape

Kyle 12:57

have to get some cutout leaves- Mm-hmm and write some of these things down-

Andrea 13:01

Mm-hmm

Kyle 13:02

and, and do something with them. Mm-hmm. Throw them in the trash. Mm-hmm. Burn them. Mm-hmm. S- put them in a bottle, send them out to sea. Like, what are some of the things that you can do to really start to release yourself from some of the ways you've labeled yourself?

Andrea 13:51

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 13:53

And then what are the ways you can start to say, like, "God, look at the gift-

Andrea 13:58

Mm-hmm

Kyle 13:58

that you have given me so that I can operate in this world the way you want me to?"

Andrea 14:04

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Uh, one of my favorite big words is reductionistic. Mm. And isn't it good? I just like that word.

Kyle 14:11

That's a good big word.

Andrea 14:12

Thank you. Um, so these labels are super reductionistic.

Kyle 14:16

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 14:17

Uh, I was... I love to paint, and I was feeling really bold and bought myself a 36-by-36, um, canvas. That's the biggest canvas I've probably ever painted on. And instead of doing these huge, broad strokes, I did lots of tiny little staccato marks of paint, and it's very, um, chaotic looking, and, uh, and it's cool, and there's lots of color, and I've enjoyed it, and it's taken a lot of time, and it's definitely not done. But I was struck this morning looking at it that even in this huge, right, for me, canvas of 36 inches by 36 inches, it's still confined to 36- Mm-hmm by 36. And these labels of spicy Latina, of angry Black woman, of quiet conservative Christian- Mm-hmm of Karen, of flirt, of hoe, of mom, of daughter, of... I mean, they can go negative, and they can go super positive and super simple. All of these labels are confined-

Kyle 15:20

Yes

Andrea 15:20

to the 36-by-36 canvas. My goodness. Our God is infinite And if we can use this conversation and these questions and these what-ifs and this inventory list and the fig leaves and writing it down to allow His infinite arms- Mm to wrap around this 36 by 36 canvas, or my probably 36-inch waist, whatever. It's fine. It's totally fine. Allow His infinite arms- Mm-hmm to wrap around and say, "This is the God who designed me. I wonder if His design for me is far bigger than I'm reducing myself to."

Kyle 16:00

Absolutely. This

Andrea 16:00

dang label, like, come on.

Kyle 16:02

Yeah. Get rid of it. Kick it out the door.

Andrea 16:04

Kick it out, take it off. This is about, and this is where I get, I get clearly excited, is that God is inviting us to freedom.

Kyle 16:13

Yes.

Andrea 16:14

We're so much more than this world's reductionistic idea of- Yeah a woman.

Kyle 16:20

Yeah, and how can you celebrate?

Inventory Your Story And Labels

Kyle 16:22

And, like, you know, thi- maybe there are the things that people have said, "Oh, you're too whatever," or, "You're not enough whatever."

Andrea 16:30

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 16:31

But even that, there's a gift in that. Mm. Because maybe you don't need to be the loud one in the room. Maybe you need to be the one who's gonna bring the calm to the room, the reasoning to the room. Mm-hmm. Or maybe you do need to be the one to be disruptive and come in the room and say, "Listen. What's going on here doesn't need to be going on here anymore," right? Those are s- those are things that you can celebrate.

Andrea 16:55

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 16:55

That you don't have to be like Susie over there- Mm-hmm or Jenny over there, right? Mm-hmm. You can really be you. And what if, as you step more into who God created you to be, that you find that you don't have the desire to turn to the stuff that's false- Mm to go into that false world- Mm and live in the false world because the world you're living in doesn't allow you to be who you really are.

Andrea 17:26

That's right. And we touched on that in our conversation about fantasy. Mm-hmm. That for sure these, um, identifiers that we hold onto when we label ourselves can move us towards certain unwanted sexual behaviors. Yes. Can move us towards certain scenarios in pornography, can, can move us towards certain fantasies. So being aware Helps you move differently

Kyle 17:50

Yes

Andrea 17:52

So do that. So listen to that podcast 'Cause it was a good one

Kyle 17:55

Yeah.

Andrea 17:57

Um, and, and when you know yourself, and I do love the idea of whether it's leaves, a piece of paper, something where you are, um, moving these words from your body, from your mind, using your body. So writing it out is, yes, with a pen and paper-

Kyle 18:14

Mm-hmm

Andrea 18:14

with a marker, with a crayon, whatever it is, with, um, paintbrush and paint, move it.

Kyle 18:20

Yeah

Andrea 18:20

Process it through your body because then you are moving from a place of responding or reacting to a place of receiving.

Kyle 18:29

Yeah. And I think even if you think about the people who are in your life, they're, they're not all the same, right? You have people who you know are gonna be the ones where you are going through something hard, they know how to speak the words of encouragement, or maybe you just n- they, they'll be the person who will just sit there and cry with you.

Andrea 18:52

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 18:52

And they don't have to say any words, and you just appreciate the fact that they're gonna come and cry with you, right? Mm-hmm. Or you have those friends who need to... who will say, "Listen-

Andrea 19:03

Mm-hmm

Kyle 19:03

girl, like, come on. You know-

Andrea 19:07

Mm-hmm

Kyle 19:08

that thing you did there- Yep wasn't a thing."

Andrea 19:10

Yeah.

Kyle 19:11

Uh, so you have these different kinds of voices in your life.

Andrea 19:15

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 19:15

So... And those people are probably maybe living out of who they, they are created to be.

Andrea 19:22

Yeah.

Kyle 19:22

So why wouldn't you wanna do the same?

Andrea 19:24

That's right So what does God say about our identity as women? Who does He say that we are? He starts from the very beginning-

Kyle 19:38

Mm-hmm

Andrea 19:38

in a really profound and beautiful way, in Genesis Ezer, is that how you say it? Ezer, yeah. Ezer. Ezer. Um, the helper We are... A- and even just that idea of helper, like, ooh, just hold on a second. Yeah,

Kyle 20:04

yeah.

Andrea 20:05

Not the associate, the assistant.

Kyle 20:07

Yeah, not the person running around with the-

Andrea 20:09

Yeah

Kyle 20:09

what do you need, what do you need, what do you need?

Andrea 20:11

No. So what does the helper mean?

Kyle 20:13

So listen, I love this from this commentary. It says, "In the case of the biblical model, model, the helper is an, is an indispensable partner required to achieve the divine commission."

Andrea 20:30

Say it again, say it again, say it again.

Kyle 20:31

The helper is an indispensable partner required to achieve the divine commission. So that means whatever the man lacks, the woman accomplishes. Woo. That's Jesus' intention

Andrea 20:52

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Kyle 20:52

Right?

Andrea 20:53

Mm-hmm

Kyle 20:56

That we live in this complementary relationship with one another.

Andrea 21:01

Yeah.

Kyle 21:02

We're not meant to stand on top of each other. No. We're not meant to beat each other down. Um, we're not meant to shrink back.

Andrea 21:10

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 21:10

But we're meant to complement one another. Right. And I think even we can We have real-life experience just from our little session we, training session we had yesterday, right? Right. We were able to see where we are gifted- Mm and not feel bad about the places we aren't. No. Because we know we have someone we can go to-

Andrea 21:31

Mm-hmm

Kyle 21:32

who fills in that. And so y- when you are the real you, you're the real woman that God has created you to be, you get to fill in the gap where somebody else can't.

Andrea 21:41

Mm-hmm.

Reframing Gifts And Burning Fig Leaves

Andrea 21:43

When you are the woman you're created to be, you are essential to achieving the divine commission.

Kyle 21:51

Divine commission. Isn't that beautiful?

Andrea 21:52

Yes. Yes. Yes. Gosh.

Kyle 21:57

And that doesn't mean ministry.

Andrea 22:00

Right. No, no, no, no.

Kyle 22:01

Right. That means life.

Andrea 22:02

Yes. Yes, the divine commission is There are opportunities every day in every way.

Kyle 22:08

Yes.

Andrea 22:09

Exactly where you are. Whether you are, um, healing from a broken marriage that has just exploded, uh, recently, you are necessary- Mm-hmm to achieve the divine commission. Whether you are on day 19 of not looking up pornography and feeling really amazing about it, yes, you are a part and essential to achieving the divine commission. Whether you're wondering if what everybody has said about you is true, or if you're hearing the whispers of what God is saying to you, and you're starting to consider it, you are necessary and key to achieving the divine commission.

Kyle 22:54

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 22:55

At school, at home. As you prepare your meals, as you do your work, in all of the ways.

Kyle 23:04

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 23:08

Even just the idea that, um, not the idea, the truth that this rib, you know, shared with Adam or that there's a, there's a partnership even that way. Yeah. The linking arms. Mm-hmm. It's not higher than subordinate. It's, it's a real partnership.

Kyle 23:25

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Andrea 23:25

That's how we were created.

Kyle 23:29

And so how can you even just step out and just go, just even be willing to say, "Lord, I wanna celebrate who you've made me to be."

Andrea 23:40

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 23:40

And whatever that looks like, does it mean you invite others in? Mm-hmm. Um, maybe there are others who can share with you, like, "Yeah, what's that thing that you appreciate about me?" Mm-hmm. And, and to be able to receive it-

Andrea 23:55

Mm-hmm

Kyle 23:56

and not think that they're just trying to say something just to make you feel better, but really to receive it and let it resonate with you.

Andrea 24:03

Mm-hmm.

Ezer Identity And The Divine Commission

Andrea 24:08

Right. And I think, I mean, we're coming back to it again. Let's not react, but receive.

Kyle 24:13

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 24:14

Do you trust the God of the universe? I do. Do you trust His Word? Do you trust what He has to say about you? Even as you Maybe even clench your fists a little bit thinking, "I'm not sure," because of some of these things that have come up.

Kyle 24:38

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 24:40

Just now if you can soften your hands and just take a deep breath And say out loud, "I wonder, Lord, what you want to say to me today."

Kyle 24:52

Yes. Yeah, just be willing to have your ears open- Mm-hmm for what He wants to say.

Andrea 25:02

So you beautiful girl Keep those ears open The God of the universe-

Kyle 25:12

Mm

Andrea 25:15

is calling your name And he's excited to tell you about how he designed you, how proud he is that you can engineer, that you can sauté, that you can paint, that you can walk, that you can rest, that you can listen, that you can play, that you can sew, that you can cut wood, that you can drive a car, that you can see Would you receive His voice for you today and walk in freedom, walk in beauty, walk in full identity of the fantastic woman that God has made you to be Amen Amen